[stextbox id=”custom”]This is a guest post by Kym Spain. Kim and her husband, Rocky, have two children of their own. They have also fostered 10 kids since 2009. If you’re interested in writing an article for this blog, please review the guest post guidelines.[/stextbox]
My husband, two children and I have been doing foster care through Koinonia (www.kfh.org) for 2 years now. We started fostering because we wanted to adopt, then realized that we love fostering as a ministry. We have had 10 foster children through our home so far and I want to share just a few of the things we have learned through our experiences, especially for those who may be considering foster care or adoption through foster care.
1.) The County is in control, but God is in control of the County. The most heart-wrenching and frustrating part of foster care is the uncertainty. I would love to know how long children will be with us, but usually our social workers don’t even know. While these children may be in our home for a season, they are always here for a reason. Of course we grow attached to the children and it’s hard when they leave, but they NEED people who love them and become attached. God is sovereign, and He does not bring children into our home to merely forget about them when they return to their parents. His plan continues for them, although our family may no longer be a direct part of it.
2.) Children will always love their biological parents. No matter what happened to the children, they love their parents and want to be with them. I falsely assumed all children would be relieved to be in my home where they are treated well. Even if they weren’t traumatized by abuse and consequently learned to fear adults, it is traumatic for them to be removed from the only home they’ve known, even if they are toddlers when they’re removed. They will always love their first parents.
3.) Unconditional love is really, really hard. When I hear one of my foster children recall stories of abuse and neglect, I feel no love for the people who caused or allowed their pain. It is hard to comfort a crying child who is crying for their mommy, when I know what mommy did. However, no sin is greater than mine, and the only reason I have a different standing with God today is because of Him, not because of me. It is also really hard to love someone else’s child who is completely out of control, and screaming at you day after day. I thought I knew what it was like to love unconditionally (don’t we all disagree with our spouses occasionally?) but I had no idea until I took in foster children. I am humbled and grateful that God took me in as a screaming, rebellious child, and loved me anyway.
4.) Foster children are not evil. Well, not any more evil than other children. Most foster children have behaviors that are not pleasant, because they have not been taught how to be appropriate. All of the children we’ve had have been very responsive to teaching. They have learned quickly how to behave appropriately and how to act lovingly. It does take consistent, creative discipline, but foster children probably won’t eat your biological children or burn your house down.
5.) Your own children are more resilient than you think. Our children love being foster siblings. Our daughter asks me daily if we can take in six more foster kids. They miss all the children who’ve left our home, and we pray for all of them. I used to worry that my children would be affected negatively by having children come and go, but we try our best to shield them from the drama and uncertainty, and they seem much more resilient than my husband and I are.
6.) Your life will completely change. You will have strangers gawking and asking questions, especially when the kids look nothing like you or like each other. You’ll get dirty looks when your foster child throws candy in the grocery store and goes into a rage because he wanted to eat it RIGHT NOW. You will get used to cleaning up interesting messes, and you might hear colorful words from toddlers. If you’re like me, you’ll probably stay up praying the first few nights of a new placement because you’re wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into this time. You will feel a range of emotions you had no idea you were even capable of feeling. But…
7.) …It’s worth it! You will learn how much God will use you…if you let Him. He will strengthen you, and you will meet some of the most amazing, brilliant, resilient children He created who have yet to hear about Him. We have been blessed overwhelmingly with the bonus children God has sent to us. There is a great need for foster homes. If you are at all interested, inquire at a local agency and ask questions. If foster care is too overwhelming for you, think about getting licensed as a respite worker to give fostering families a break by taking their foster kids for a week or a weekend. God will help you through it, and you will be blessed.
Kym, thanks for your thoughts and insights about foster care. Having adopted two children from China, we never experienced foster care ourselves firsthand. It is a remarkable ministry you and Rocky are doing for those children. They will be blessed because of it…and so will you. Thank you for sharing!
I love Kym Spain and was blessed with a season of getting to spend time with her and her family weekly last year. Praise God for her and her husband’s ministry to Foster children.