8 Truths Every Husband Secretly Wishes His Wife Knew About Him

Like most of the men that I know, when it comes to talking about marriage and the biblical roles for husbands and wives…I feel totally uncomfortable and unqualified!

Most men (okay, all of us!) don’t have this whole marriage thing figured out yet.  It’s a work in progress.  But one of the things about building is that sometimes you first have to tear down old structures, and that can be a painful ordeal.

Do you know what I mean?

Talking about marriage and how to better love our wives, be better leaders in the home, taking charge, etc, etc, pretty much feels like demolition work to a man.  That’s not always the case, but most of the men I know feel this way.

As a Christian man, I know I have certain responsibilities that I need to be active in pursuing.  But my deficiencies sometimes seem to overwhelm me.  We men don’t like to admit this, but living as a godly man in the home—as a husband and as a father—is some of the scariest stuff this world ever throws our way.

And that’s just the fact of the matter.

Wives, if you were to sit down and have a completely open conversation with your husband about marriage and fatherhood, you’ll likely learn a few key things about your man…and they are as follows:

1. We don’t have “it” figured out yet, and this quite often makes us feel like failures.
2. We’re not exactly sure how to figure “it” all out, by the way.
3. We know we’re not doing what we “should” be doing, and it frustrates us to no end.
4. We wish we were doing what we know we’re “supposed” to be doing!
5. We feel insecure because we know this about ourselves and we’re not sure how to “fix” it.
6. We know we’re supposed to love you like Christ loves the church, but that seems impossible to us.
7. We know you want us to take up more of a leadership role in the home, and we want that also (but please go back to #1 above).
8. We often believe that you think we don’t really care, but that’s usually far from the truth.  The fact is, we’re just scared.

Ladies, I’m not sure if you heard it just now but there was chorus of men who just shouted, “Amen!”

Now, there are no doubt exceptions to this rule about men with regards to their roles as a husband and a father, but the fact is that this is the norm.  Even for the godly Christian man.

Please be patient with us, encourage us, and respect us for where we are at (c.f. Ephesians 5:33).  But that doesn’t mean we expect you to stand idly aside and let us flounder, either.  Truthfully, neither of us wants that.  We men would much rather excel in our relationships and overcome our deficiencies and, frankly, our helpmates are the key to that success.

We men know that our wives are our helpmates, for God has designed it to be so.  This most certainly does NOT demonstrate the woman’s deficiency, but the man’s insufficiency.  We know that God gave you to us to help us.  You are our partner in all matters in this life.  But there again is the heart of the issue.  The sinfulness in each man (yes, this author included), is that we know we are deficient in so many areas of our life, and we need your help.

So please, be patient.

But look, I didn’t write this article to end it there.  I want to “show you” and not merely “tell you” how to fix (or at least “address”) these problems.

Try these seven questions out next time you’re on a date with your spouse…or tonight after the kids go to bed.  But be forewarned ahead of time.  These kinds of questions make us squirm and fidget with insecurity!

1.  If you could change three things about me, what would they be and why those three?
2. What annoying mannerism or idiosyncrasies do I have that you’d like to see me change altogether or at least see some changes in?
3. How does it make you feel when I…(name something that you know displease him/her).
4. What are three things that you believe I should focus on in order to be a better and more loving spouse?
5. What do you feel I am not giving you at this time that I should be giving you?
6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our marriage? (and what would it take to get to a 10?)
7. When we are old and gray, what are five things that we hope we never have to say something like, “If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t make the mistake of doing _________ again!”

PS: I think that this is one of the most difficult verses in all of Scripture to put into constant, daily practice (Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”)

PS II: I secretly hope my wife doesn’t read this article.  🙂

QUESTIONS FOR COMMENTING BELOW: What things have you and your spouse been working on lately?  Maybe it is communication or quantity of time spent together?  And what things have worked or haven’t worked for you?

 * Photo credit: Raquel Camargo (Creative Commons)