[stextbox id=”custom”]This is a guest post by Andrea Harrington. Andrea Harrington is the author of Hope Deferred: Keeping your Joy and Sanity on the Journey to Family. She is an adoptive mom of two and a passionate adoption advocate. Through her company, Wool Sock Media, she provides a dynamic voice for adoptive families and couples dealing with infertility. Visit Andrea’s website at: hope-deferred.com. You can also follow Andrea on Facebook and Twitter. Find out how to win a FREE copy of Andrea’s book at the bottom of this post. If you’re interested in writing a guest post for this blog, please review the guest posting guidelines.[/stextbox]
Getting pregnant is a rite of passage for a woman. It’s just supposed to happen. And when it doesn’t, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity and brokenness creep in. I know, because I lived with infertility for seven years.
No little girl growing up dreams of starting her family through adoption. Instead she tucks stuffed animals under her T-shirt, then parades around pretending to have a baby in her tummy. She holds her tiny baby doll and rocks it sweetly, cooing into its ear.
Yet, for so many women, that childhood dream doesn’t materialize exactly as planned. For me, it certainly didn’t resemble that idyllic childhood fairy tale. Instead of taking nine months, it took seven years and a trip around the world for me to rock my first child and hum lullabies to her as she fell asleep.
Those years before I became a parent took an emotional toll way beyond what I saw at the time. Looking back, I see things more clearly. For one, I was skinny – far too skinny.
Food became one of the few things I could control, and I did so by not eating, partly because I was down and didn’t have much of an appetite, but more so because I got to say what and how much I ate. I couldn’t coax my body into conceiving no matter what I tried, but I could most definitely take charge of what I gave it for nourishment.
There were other things that sent my emotions into a tailspin, and I finally gave myself permission to avoid them. What a relief! If you are in the midst of infertility struggles, what you’re going through is hard. It’s not fair, and a lot of people just don’t know how to be when they’re around you.
Here are 6 things that I should have started doing a lot sooner than I did. Consider this. It’s okay to:
1. RSVP “no” to a baby shower. (no matter how close a friend the shower is honoring.) Send a gift card. Don’t torture yourself by shopping off the registry at a baby superstore.
2. Skip church on Mother’s Day. Certain holidays or “memorable dates” can trigger negative emotions for many people. That is especially true for women living with infertility on Mother’s Day. God loves you no matter what, and missing this particular Sunday is certainly understandable. Instead, spend the day with your own mom doing something fun, or have a special date with your spouse. My friend Jill and I were both living out our infertility years together, and we had a standing brunch and shopping date on Mother’s Day. Find a way to make it enjoyable for yourself.
3. Cry. It’s good for the soul. Infertility is scientific and clinical, and if you’re pursuing treatment or in the early stages, you’re probably checking your temperature, giving yourself shots or charting your cycle on silly charts. Emotions are essential and tend to get lost in all the procedures. Allow yourself some breakdowns.
4. Not answer all questions. People who haven’t dealt with infertility don’t understand it and are naturally curious. But some of their questions are downright rude. Develop a standard answer for questions you’re not comfortable answering, and stick to it.
5. Avoid places where children seem to flock. A trip to Disney World might not be a great idea if you’re trying to keep kids at bay. Regardless of how much you love children, being around them when you can’t have one of your own is difficult! Find some safe havens for yourself (such as a college campus library) when you need some adult-only time.
6. Don’t let the good stuff pass you by. Even in the midst of sad times, life keeps coming. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays don’t pause to mourn with you. Enjoy your birthday and celebrate your anniversary. Don’t forget the true meaning of Christmas.
While dealing with infertility is difficult, don’t allow it to rob you of your joy or your sanity. Look for joys in everyday living to keep you on a positive track. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12).
Question: What is something you can find joy in right now?
[stextbox id=”custom”]In order to qualify to win a free copy of Andrea’s book you will need to do all of the following. (Please note: Only one winner will be randomly chosen from all eligible participants.)
- Subscribe to this blog via Email and RSS Feed.
- “Like” our Facebook page and “follow us” on Twitter.
- Become a Facebook friend with Andrea and “follow” her on Twitter.
- Go to Andrea’s website and Subscribe to her Email newsletter.
- Comment below regarding your thoughts about Andrea’s post, and provide links proving you’ve complied with all the subscription requirements.[/stextbox]
Thanks for your post Andrea. It will encourage many people, I am sure.
No little girl growing up dreams of starting her family through adoption.
I stopped reading this article after this ridiculous sentence! How dare you speak for what all little girls dream of? What gall must you have to presume you know what I am thinking or was thinking as a girl or what my daughter thinks now?
For your information. I have always loved the idea of adoption. I loved how God adopted me, and from Kindergarten on I knew that I would adopt my children. I wasn’t opposed to a biological pregnancy. However, when God took 5 babies from me I was glad that I had adopted years earlier. My daughter is 10 and never wants to be pregnant. She wants to finish her degree in chemistry and then adopt when it is right.
You should be ashamed of yourself for writing such an inflammatory and rude statement. When you next choose to write a post that many people will read I hope that you will consider your limited human knowledge and not presume to speak for half of humanity without their consent first!