5 Things To Consider When Your Husband Isn’t Interested In Adoption

This is an issue that, unfortunately, I have encountered more than a handful of times from women who are open to adoption but their husbands simply are not.  Obviously, if one spouse isn’t interested even in discussing adoption, that is a significant hurdle to overcome.  But there is hope, so don’t give up!

Maybe I am different from some men because I’ve been interested in adoption since my high school days.  I did not come from a family acquainted with adoption, but I knew there were millions of children around the world who didn’t have a family.  I knew that adoption would always be something I approved of.  Yet I didn’t always know that I would someday adopt.

Most men are not like that, for whatever reason.  Some husbands are of the mindset that “biological” children are the only legitimate means to building a family.  To them, orphans are almost like last week’s meatloaf: Great for the dog, but not for me.  Still others maintain an almost barbaric mentality, thinking orphans are “cursed” people.  And after all, who’d want to bring a curse into the house?

For other men, however, the issue of having children all boils down to plumbing.  Yes, plumbing.  As in the reproductive kind.  One man I know was interested in having more children, but his response to the possibility of adoption was, “I figure that as long as the plumbing is still working, adoption isn’t for me.”  For him, then, adoption was Plan B for couples dealing with infertility.

Still other men are not quite comfortable with the idea of having a son who doesn’t look like them, has a different skin color, or who might make them feel “guilty” for being embarrassed in the grocery store when people stare or ask him, “Is that your son?  What’s wrong with his eyes?”

For women who are finding it difficult to conceive, or are simply interested in the beauty of adoption, having a husband who is not only disinterested in the idea of adoption—but almost hostile about it—can feel like an insurmountable hurdle to overcome.  But as I said earlier, there is still hope.  And plenty of it, to be sure!

Here are five ways you can assist your husband while he contemplates the idea of adoption.

1. Pray. As a Christian man, I am convinced this is the first answer to all of life’s problems.  God hears our prayers and answers them according to His own good pleasure.  God has a heart for adoption Himself.  After all, God has one “biological” Son, yet millions of adopted children from all around the globe.  So long as your motives are for the glory of God, He hears your prayers.  You can be assured of receiving an answer (“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  But he must ask in faith without any doubting…” James 1:5-6).
2. Explore. Just because your husband is not yet at the place where you are does not mean you should abandon the idea of adopting altogether.  Join an online Yahoo adoption group and continue talking to other people who have, or are currently, in the process of adoption.  No doubt you will meet many others who have overcome what you are enduring right now.
3. Communicate. This can be a challenge, especially if your husband is dead-set against adoption.  However, I am not talking about debate here, but honest communication between a husband and wife.  Don’t force him to make a decision right then and there.  You’ll be sorry if you do.  Trust me, we men tend to take time running these things over and over again in our minds.  Explain to your husband why you are interested in adoption, and tell him you would appreciate it if he would at least think about it over the next few weeks (if not months)…with no strings attached.  Don’t push him toward embracing adoption.  Just talk to him, explain why you think adoption might a good idea for your family, ask him to think about it, and leave it at that.  For now.
4. Don’t Use Propaganda. In other words, don’t discreetly insert a flyer about adoption into his Bible, or tuck one neatly under his PB&J sandwich in his lunchbox.  That will annoy him and likely be a turnoff.  Gather literature and other resources and keep them in a readily available folder, and leave it on top of the desk.  Have it available if he wants to check something out on his own time.
5. Other Men. Believe it or not, but there are probably dozens (if not hundreds) of other men in your geographic area who have adopted or are currently in the adoption process.  You may even know some from your own church or circle of friends.  Talk to their wives and ask them questions.  Ask her if she thinks her husband would be open to talking with your husband (that is, if your husband is open to it).  Keep in mind that men usually say “No” or reject something outright if they are not comfortable or don’t fully understand it.  A conversation with another man would likely be easier for him than talking to you about it over and over and over again.  Sorry, but it’s the truth.

In summary, keep the faith!  Adoption is becoming much more popular, accepted, and “tolerated” in our western culture.  Particularly among men.  There are more resources available today than ever before.  Do not give up your pursuit of adopting children into your “forever” family.  Ultimately, God may not have adoption in the cards for your family.  Yet then again, maybe He does.